Lies Are Important

I am learning French. Today in class, we learnt the verb: to lie - mentir. Each student was asked to give an example about when we told a lie. During this exercise, a general discussion came about how lying is wrong and should be avoided, etc. I said something to the effect of - lying is very important in life. People were surprised and thought for a while that I misunderstood the meaning of the verb (because we were all speaking in our broken French. No english allowed in class). I was surprised more people don't think that ...

I then gave the example of how we lie to children to protect them from the truths of life. And that's just one type of lie that's necessary in our social contract.

• We lie to our parents to protect them from certain aspects of our personal lives. They may find it too shocking.
• As mentors, we lie to our pupils when we advocate our principles. They may not listen to hypocrites.
• We lie to our close friends and loved ones when they ask us to be honest about some aspect of their life. Their ego may be too fragile.
• We lie to powers of authority. Their judgement may be too heavy to bear.
• We lie as a strategy in a simple game of poker or during an act of war. They may hold an upper hand.
• We lie to ourselves every day. We may not acknowledge our dark side.
• We lie to seduce a convenience. Truth is sometimes insufficient.
• We lie to avoid a confrontation. Truth is sometimes uncomfortable.
• We lie because we can. Or we have excuses like "all is fair in love and war".

I'm pretty sure there are quite a few more reasons than these. Just as the 'pursuit of truth' adds value to our life, I think the proliferation of lies preserves what we hold dear.

No, I haven't been drinking while writing this post. ;)

25 (Negative) Things About Me

1. I'm more interested in meeting new people and making new friends than keep my existing friends or staying in touch with old friends.
2. I can never remember if I locked my apartment. It's almost a daily routine for me to walk to my car and walk back to my apartment to check the lock again. Going on a vacation can be painful since I have to do this multiple times (yes, all the way to my car and back. I'm not kidding). I can only be glad I live on the second floor and not any higher.
3. I'm agnostic. Not just about God. About other things as well that require faith and trust in an abstract quality of the human enterprise. True love. Loyal friendships. Unforgettable moments. They may be. They may be not.
   
4. I'm an impulsive shopper. Electronic toys and gadgets hypnotize me. I never wait for deals. If I want something, I spend first and think later.
5. I buy more books than I read. I have two cabinets in my living room. One for the books I have read. The other has books that I haven't yet opened. It even has a few books with bookmarks because I left them unread halfway. I'm running out of room in this cabinet.
6. I judge people based on how skinny or overweight they are. I do get over it once I get to know them. I think. I'm not always sure. I was once told that I'm only attracted to skinny women. I was surprised by that. I only realized it then.
7. I love driving in the rain without the windshield wipers on. But I always wear my seat belt. My favorite weather is when it's cloudy, dark and gloomy. Chilly, drizzling, slightly windy but not cold. It makes the day slightly better than ordinary.
8. I become obsessive about TV shows (amongst plenty of other things). I stupidly try to idolize them or identify with them. I think House M.D. is a role model. I watch almost every repeat episode so much so that I actually dreamt last night that I helped him on a medical case. Oh, and I have a huge crush on Jessie XX. I root for her every time she is blunt or plays with a knife.
   
9. I daydream about action scenes from sci-fi movies and tv shows. Yes, I have super powers in them. I'm waiting to outgrow this habit, but I've had it for a while now.
   
10. I avoid calling my parents because I feel I argue with them more than I talk to them.
11. I cannot recite a single phone number from my address book. The only number I had memorized was my sister's home number. She recently told me she was getting it disconnected.
    
12. I am very patronizing and sarcastic in arguments or friendly debates. I feel I have learned more from my life than others have from theirs. If I'm not saying anything, then I'm probably mocking the other person(s) in my head.
13. I constantly make multiple to-do lists and put them in multiple places or computers. I probably can make a list of where all my lists are and what their status is.
    
14. I'd rather take on too many projects than too few. Feeling purposeful and thereby important feeds my self-esteem.
15. I clean my apartment in long intervals. I wait for it to become really messy and dirty before I clean it all the way instead of on an ongoing basis.
16. I have imaginary conversations with people from the past over unresolved baggage, regrets and lost arguments over otherwise silly things. I would willingly invest in any research of time travel.
    
17. I keep all the wedding invitations I receive. Lately I have stopped opening them. They go straight into a shoe box.
    
18. I prefer staying indoors by myself than go out with friends. Except hiking. I'm always up for hiking.
19. I haven't visited home in India since 2002. I have plenty of excuses. Mostly I think it's because I prefer to spend the time and money to travel to a new place instead.
20. I cannot function at work without a Coke in the afternoon. I'm addicted.
21. I killed a plant. I'm thinking of getting some fish but probably won't. I'm afraid I'm too negligent for any pets.
22. I have selective memory. I completely forget conversations and dates randomly, some of which are rather important. If it wasn't written down, there are no guarantees.
    
23. I don't get angry. I believe in passive-aggression. I will hold a grudge for as long as it takes.
24. I take lots of pictures. I share only a few of them. This annoys a lot of people.
    
25. I am self-absorbed (obviously). It took me about a couple of hours to write this list. Now I'm pondering if that's too short or too long. I'm writing this list partly because I want to acknowledge my negative tendencies. But mostly I'm curious to see if putting this list out there for the world to see, makes any difference to me. Either I will resolve to work on some of them to become a better individual. Or not.

Battles

I lost a battle today. But I'm glad. Because I was honest. I wasn't petty. I was fair. Despite what I was up against. I was greedy too. I didn't hesitate revealing this. And yet, I submitted to a rational argument. Which may not have been all that rational. I really don't know. And I honored the presumptions and interpretations set forth. Without understanding. With no explicit trust. Because it's not always about winning.

Integrity. It matters.

The Truth Will Set You Free

What Truth? Going by the evidence, the truth will scare you. Going by what I have seen, the truth will depress you. They also say, Perspective is everything. And going by that, the truth will humble you. Optimism is supposed to be healthy. So then, the truth will only be a betrayal. Forget about it. Denial works. Embrace it. Live in it.

"Truth begins in lies." - House, M. D.

Letting Go: Part II

I have in my hand a receipt from a Gift Store of 'Juliette Low Birthplace' from Feb 19, 2006. This is a receipt for a Coffee mug I bought during my visit to Savannah, GA, for the first time. Juliette Gordon Low is considered the Founder of Girl Scouts in USA and her place is considered the Mecca for Girl Scouts. For an average South Asian immigrant, this place should hold no significance. And yet I'm going through a shoe box throwing away stuff I should have a long time ago. I may be pathetic, but this is still something I have to face. No matter how long it takes, I have to let go of old junk to make room for new junk.

Guess what! I'm a sentimental fool. I'm destined to be burdened by the junk I hold on to.

I know I haven't let it all go yet. I'll probably never throw away the Coffee mug itself. Right now, I'm just ready to throw away the receipt for it. But this is one more step closer to becoming more independent of my own constructed sentimental demons. Hurrah!

Letting Go

'Moving on' is the biggest "lesson of life". You never get to learn it anywhere but from the pure failures of your own life. Or more specifically, the failures of the constructs you make, when you are the most hopeful.

Letting go of the junk you accumulate, when you hoped it would have become valuable, is as bad as betting on a Stock. Something as simple as hope you cling on to, may seem the most cruel you can be to yourself. Beware!

Right now, I'm looking for a CD. Something that, I think, would bring me great joy, through it's sheer value of entertainment. But I have to go through all these boxes of crap I never got around to sorting through. Concert tickets. Random receipts. Movie tickets!!! Now is as good a time as any. To throw away junk I've been holding on to for no reason at all.

Hopefully, I won't regret it in the morning. Even better, I won't remember it at all in the morning. Hopefully. Alcohol is such a boon at times! If only ...

How To Make A Bad Habit

• Decide how much you don't want to be that guy with the habit. You hate everyone with the habit. So you'll never want to be that guy.
• Tell yourself how much you are in control. You've had a good upbringing. This is never going to be an issue. You are lucky to have such good parents.
  
• Curiosity killed a cat. But you are not a cat. So it's not dangerous. You can try it. No big deal. It's no big deal.
• You did it. Everybody always told you had it in you. You always believed this would be the day. And it is here. Dreams come true. You da man. You need to do something special to celebrate. Something you've never done before. Or at least don't usually do.
  
• It's a party. And it's not a real party without it. And you wanna just party. You've been working hard and now you need a break.
• Life is great. Things are perfect. All those years of working hard have paid off. Everything is just where you want it to be. This is a proud moment. You wouldn't change a thing. Time to throw another party.
• Take it easy. Don't work so hard. Life's too short. Try to have some fun once in a while. You need a new routine. You are too dull. Change is good.
• Wow! You are a new man. Don't recognize you at all. What have you been doing lately? Whatever it is, this totally suits you. And she is hot. Wow! I mean, just Wow!!!
• Wait a minute... what was that? Seriously? No, seriously? This is way too boring. You need to try something new. Something crazy. Haven't you always wanted to try out that new place? Come on.
• Forget it. You are sorry and sad that it happened. But forget it. May be this is huge. But still, it just wasn't meant to be. Whatever. Move on. Life's too damn short to bother. Take a sick day. Or two. Get your mind off it. There is more to life.
• You need a new hobby. You need a new challenge. Focus. This turn will be good for you. But don't stress yourself too much. Take it easy during the weekends. Don't party. Instead, do something to relax. Don't think about anything too much.
• Alright! Things are working out. You totally deserved that promotion. Finally. Treat yourself. Go all out.
• Forget about your friends. They are taking the same path everyone else is. You choose your own path. Do what you want to do. And live your life. To the fullest. Focus on your career. Don't look back. Hedonism rules!
  
• Mondays suck. Wednesdays are worse. Friday is here. Yay! No, don't tell them. They don't need to know. None of their business. Stop thinking so much about it. It's Friday. Hmmm... What? You don't need an excuse. Do what you want to do.
  
• You can't have everything. But life's still good. What have you got to complain about? Do what you are doing. What ever will be, will be. Fuck sera sera.
  

Greed

It's never enough. No matter what. Satisfaction is a myth. Or at least it's very temporary. The insurmountable time spent chasing, waiting, calculating, wondering. It's useless. It never ends. I cannot quench this thirst. Ambition can be such an affliction. And so the search for a balance continues...

Good night, my blog. You are just a reminder of how infrequently I update you, and each time I swear, no, I wish I did it more often. I do the same with a myriad of inanimate objects in my life. So you don't take it personally. OK?

Pursuits after college

...Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time...

Life after college is just not the same. It feels true more and more everyday. It's the first time you really have to make a schedule and start sticking to it. No more just doing whatever. It's been over four years since I was in graduate school. Looking back at it now, a lot has changed, but the one thing that is truly and fundamentally different from then and now is - the pursuit of a worthwhile goal.

Education was always a given. The pursuit of it was an unquestionable goal. For me, it was an excuse to come to the U.S. Nevertheless, it was still an unquestionable and worthwhile pursuit. Nothing else mattered. Got on a plane and left my family behind without another thought. Friends were lost, but they could be replaced. The city I grew up in, the familiarity, the comforts, love interests, whatever! I didn't care. I had to make it. I did.

Today, I feel like I'm standing perfectly still. Which is what I wanted to do for a long while. Enough of that rat race and the constant need to prove that I can do something better. I want to be happy staying wherever I am. Take a moment, take a break. Can it happen? It's such an unfamiliar and somewhat uncomfortable pursuit. I miss the feeling I had in high school and college. That unflinching focus, hope, investment on a goal, a constant goal.

I'm actually quite busy. Yeah, standing still doesn't exactly translate to doing nothing in my life right now. I've got a job that pays the bills and a really expensive apartment that keeps me reasonably busy from time to time. I've taken up not 1 but 2 volunteer jobs that keep me busy the rest of the time. I'm involved with someone on and off. I go on plenty of first dates and nothing comes out of them. Also trying to keep an active interest in photography whenever I get the chance. I constantly meet new people and make new friends almost every other week. I keep up with my multiple social circles in Atlanta and a few close friends that are all over the U.S. and one in India. I love playing PS2 with my niece and nephew and hanging out at my sister's place. Oh, and my parents are visiting from India as well.

Strangely, I don't feel invested in any of these. None of them seem worthy of pursuit towards any a goal right now, or worthy of spending my time. I do it now cause it's there. I'm busy but aimless. I work hard but I'm not invested. I feel close to my friends and family when I'm with them, but somewhat detached the rest of the time. I used to read better but have been compulsively inching the same boring novel all this year. It certainly doesn't feel like college.

Next year, if everything changes and I find myself engaged with some other totally new tasks, I won't mind. None of them will be worthwhile anyway probably, but I wonder... What will they be? For now I'm just drifting. I'm waiting.

...Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line...

(Lyrics from In The Waiting Line by Zero 7)

When Will I Really Learn To Cook?

you know when life is good, but something is still missing. when i know what it is, and i no longer want to pay it any attention. and yet it keeps coming up everywhere i go. in conversations, and on tv. especially what seems to come so naturally to everyone else around me. and so i wait, for something to change. not so much wanting to be a cause for the change, but rather expecting the universe to tell me it has. and from time to time, i wake up feeling like something has shifted. i've had a really cheerful week so far and hope comes in profusion. i think i can take things to the next level. and finally have the meaningful change in life i deserve to. i get excited about being seen in a new light, about possibilities leading into new avenues. may be i will finally stop feeling jealous when i am around them. i head towards this new venture with determination. it's finally my turn. it's finally coming around and happening to me. i turn that last corner, ready to get started.

disappointments are a part of life. we all know this. but isn't it just plain wrong when you are no longer surprised? it's really sad, when i know i'm supposed to be sad about the way things turned out, but it actually brings me a smile cause i think it's funny somehow. things usually start out just fine. have every reason to believe it is going to work out. except i never see when i'm already too late. it's already gone bad. i'm not torn up about it. what was i really expecting after so many times? if someone would have told me a few years ago that i would be stuck at this point in life, i would have never believed them.

at the end of it all, i've left only one thing to do. look at it one last time for now. i know that it's what is still missing. i turn around, smile and walk away. i did everything i could. and now i can't stop thinking about ...

55Friday: Miserable

55Friday: The "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" Edition

allergies,
birthdays forgotten,
choices I didn't choose,
disappointed mom,
early morning meetings,
fourth circle of hell,
hiccups,
incomplete projects,
jackasses in power,
lost phone numbers,
my morning echo,
new year resolutions,
photographer's block,
questioning my loyalty,
regret,
sleepless nights,
thoughtless mistakes,
untold tragedies,
words of an ex,
your latest complaints

make me sad and miserable.

Defiance

Saw a beautiful movie today that tells a story of how a housewife overcomes adversity in Defiance.

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio

When life treats us an unfair deal, our response to it is typical - anger, despair, finger-pointing, lying, cheating. Based on a real life, the story is about Evelyn Ryan, who displays defiance in place of the above, makes the most of every situation and refuses to give in. She is a mother of 10 kids, and a wife of a man who has plenty of despair and excuses that make matters worse. She chooses to enter different jingle writing contests and use her creativity to win small and big prizes from time to time to make ends meet.

Towards the end of the movie, the Ryans realize they have to vacate their home. Kelly, her husband, takes out a second mortgage without telling her, and it's due. They can't pay.

Evelyn: Just put it all on the front porch. Thank you, girls.
Kelly: Davey, go outside with that.
(The phone rings)
Evelyn: Hello?
Dr. Pepper spokesperson: Hello. Is this Mrs Evelyn L Ryan?
Evelyn: This is she
Spokesperson: Mrs. Ryan, it's my pleasure to inform you that you are our first-prize winner in the Dr. Pepper "Time of Your Life" contest.
Evelyn: Oh, my word.
Spokesperson: You've won a trip for two to Switzerland, a Ford Mustang, his and hers Longines watches and cash in the amount of $3,440.64.
Evelyn: Goodness, well ... these prizes couldn't come at a better time for my large family.
Kelly: Kids, get in here!
Spokesperson: I'm glad to hear that Mrs. Ryan.
Kelly: Come here.
Spokesperson: You have every reason to be proud because your entry beat out 250,000 others.
Evelyn: Thank you, thank you for telling me that. You've brightened my day considerably.
Spokesperson: Thank you, Mrs. Ryan. Good day.
(Evelyn puts the phone down)
Evelyn: We won!
(Everyone shrieks with joy)
Kids: Mom, can we go tell the neighbors?
Evelyn: You can tell whoever you want.
(Tuff, their teenage daughter, sits down crying)
Kelly: Tuffy, it's OK. Everything's going to be OK. We're all going to be OK.
Tuff: No, we aren't.
Kelly: For cripe's sake.
Evelyn: You go on outside, I'll take care of her.
Kelly: Come on, let's go tell everybody. Come on.

(Cut to Tuff's room)
Tuff: He's never gonna change.
Evelyn: You're absolutely right. He's not... Do you know what that man said to me on the phone just now?
Tuff: No.
Evelyn: He said that I beat 250,00 other entries. And do you know what else? It wasn't even my best one. Honey... Honey, you have your whole life in front of you, and you can make of it whatever you want. You have a marvelous mind. And a beautiful heart. And you can accomplish anything. Everything is possible. Do you know that? ... Forgive him, Tuff. Forgive him so that you can embrace this truly remarkable day.
Tuff: I love you, Mom.
Evelyn: I love you.

All Things

Saw an interesting and unusual (for the series) X-Files episode today - All Things, Season 7 (1999). Written and Directed by Gillian Anderson, the theme of the episode is my favorite topic - What If.

The Scully-centered episode starts with Scully's voice over ...

Scully: Time passes in moments. Moments which, rushing past, define the path of a life, just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path. To see the reasons why all things happen. To consider whether the path we take in life is our own making, or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed. But what if we could stop? Pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And seeing those choices, choose another path?

The episode is riddled with bizarre coincidences trying to prove the new age philosophy about how everything happens for a reason. Overlooking that, the episode is really well done. Get to see another side of Scully, introspective, pondering about her choices, her past. It was awesome! Just when I thought I couldn't love this character any more, Gillian Anderson takes over the writing and directing and shows her even closely.

Most of the series has Mark Snow composing the music. But I guess Anderson decided to go another way for this new age style episode. Moby's The Sky Is Broken plays throughout the episode, which just renders the slow, contemplating story beautifully.

I constantly wonder about where my life is going. About what, all the routines I've inundated my days and weeks with, will lead to. How do I know that I'm not just wasting time, when I am not thinking harder about what is going to be meaningful to me in 10 years?

Mulder: You're not listening.
Scully: I am... I guess I just don't see the point.
Mulder: The point is that a computer program has shown us that these are not just random happenstance coincidental occurrences. And that same program has predicted that in just 48 hours even more complex formations are gonna be laid down in a field near Avebury. Forty-eight hours, Scully, but I wouldn't mind getting there earlier, if you don't mind.
Scully: Getting where?
Mulder: England, I got two tickets on a 5:30 flight.
Scully: Mulder, I still have to go over to the hospital and finish the final paperwork on that autopsy you had me do. And to be honest, it's Saturday. And I wouldn't mind, I don't know, taking a bath.
Mulder: What the hell does that mean?
Scully: What it means is that I'm not interested in tracking down some sneaky farmers who happened to ace geometry in high school. And besides, what could you possibly get out of this? Or learn? I mean, it's not even remotely FBI related.
Mulder: I'll just cancel your ticket. Thanks for lunch.
Scully: Mulder. Look, we're always running. We're always chasing the next big thing. Why don't you ever just stay still?
Mulder: I wouldn't know what I'd be missing.

I constantly wonder about the things I'm missing out on. Things I ought to be doing instead. If only I could figure out what they are. I hope I will find it soon. I hope, although impossible to invest myself in more than a few endeavors, that if I tried enough crafts, met enough people, read enough books / blogs, watched enough movies, traveled to enough cities, captured enough photographs, learned enough philosophies, took enough risks, made enough mistakes, ...

Daniel: There are things you don't know-- things I'm not proud of.
Scully: What things?
Daniel: I screwed up, Dana. Things got bad at home after...
Scully: Bad how?
Daniel: I haven't been completely honest with you. It was hard for me ... when you walked away. I shut down from my family. Needless to say, it was very difficult for Barbara.
Scully: You divorced.
Daniel: Only after an interminable period of discomfort for us both.
Scully: Where did you go?
Daniel: Here. Washington.
Scully: When?
Daniel: Almost ten years ago.
Scully: Daniel, you didn't move here for me?
Daniel: I didn't mean for it to happen this way, of course.
Scully: Oh, God-- You've come at such a strange time.
Daniel: I know. I know. You-- You have a life.
Scully: I don't know what I have. I mean-- Your X rays were in the wrong envelope. I never would have even known you were here if it wasn't for a mix-up. It's just--
Daniel: What do you want, Dana?
Scully: I want everything I should want at this time of my life. Maybe I want a life I didn't choose.

Moving On

Philosophical Question: How do you accept the inevitable? No, not death. Change.

With excitement? No, your choices are depression or denial. I could throw in alcohol and partying, but you'd end up using it only to cover your depression or denial.

I usually choose denial, cause it keeps me functional. Besides, it is so much cooler to pretend I can handle anything. Finding a reason to hate something about the past seems like a popular choice, since it is so much easier than admitting you still miss it. (Which is a sign of weakness. Who would willingly want to hurt their pride?) So denial works for me. I'm sticking to it.

Change is also today's post-modern culture. If I'm not taking a chance to make progress onto something better, I'm standing still. That is so not cool. If I'm not in with the trend, I would be like the archaic figure teenagers like to rebel against. That is so not cool. Especially since grown-ups have a lot to learn from teenagers according to all the tv I watch.

So the only reason I accept change is because of the pressure that I should? Because there is no alternative?

What's wrong with holding onto the past? It's not progressive obviously. It's not as meaningful as, let's say, building castles in the sky with hope for the future. Which is the main objective. Add meaning to life, improve quality. It's meaningless to watch re-runs. What's the point in living with something you've grown comfortable with? I deserve more and better. Learn from your mistakes, grow confident from your achievements and move on.

Here's the thing about mistakes I've learnt. I make the same ones really, never really learn from them. Sure I wouldn't burn myself twice on the stove, but fires start everywhere. And achievements are cunning, sort of. Each new goal must be challenging, in new ways no less, than the previous one, to satisfy me. Obviously it's a setup for failure. Which I'm supposed to learn from and move on. But then I make the same mistakes again ... Just feels like a vicious cycle you know.

So Change. Here I go again. A month into 2007 and I'm already failing my New Year's resolutions. Still thinking about the people from the past and dreading I will miss the ones that will no longer be there in the future for sure. Another month starts tomorrow. Let me give it another shot.

Fourth Circle Of Hell

We are doomed to fruitless labor. Cooking and cleaning is a partial definition of home. At work, bureaucracy promises us enough paperwork to sober up the most passionate workaholic. And the car that takes me back and forth is comparable to high maintenance relationships. Hmmm... if this is a taste of the fourth circle of Hell, I guess it's not scary enough. The religious fanatics need to come up with a scarier model to keep us in check.

Pursuit Of Happiness

Aristotle had it figured out. Happiness is a drug and the pursuit of happiness is an addiction. This is partly why people are miserable when they are unhappy. They are going through a chemical withdrawal. And this withdrawal based misery or depression depends on the original level of addiction.

Level 1: As kids, happiness is achieved easily. Candy, cartoons ... yup, doesn't take much. Even as adults we try to enjoy the little things. Chocolate - The simplest kind of happiness. But very temporary. After a certain point it stops satisfying. What to do? Eat more candy or ...

Level 2: Competition. Winning in sports or any other platform that proves one better than another. I hated sports but I was shamelessly happy when I beat the idiots in class at Math. Some would say this is an evil kind of happiness. It works. Don't break the rules and it's ok. Unfortunately the killer instinct doesn't last. What to do? Find a new discipline and train or ...

Level 3: Help others. Give. Make your family happy, be there for your friends, provide for the needy and world peace. It's a serious endeavor and this is what most people ought to pursue. This is enough. This level of happiness is satisfying enough. But then there are people screwed up enough that need more.

Level 4: Perfection. Addicts who seek this level of the happy drug aren't satisfied until they experience the elusive and rare - love, god, truth, destiny. Those unfortunate enough to not get their fix become severely depressed or kill themselves. Idiots with high standards. They should've quit while they were still ahead.

I guess the pitfalls of experiencing a more meaningful life is an addiction to happiness. The problem isn't that it is self-destructive during withdrawal, the motive to pursue itself seems futile if a possible end result is the exact opposite of happiness.

Ladder Theory

Came across this on Chick Pea's blog and thought it was totally hilarious and right on the mark.

Ladder Theory

Can't stop laughing.

Emotional Dependence

Too Close for Comfort - New York Times

By STEPHANIE COONTZ

I loved this article by Stephanie Coontz. In fact, I'm going to get her book Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage right away to read her opinions on Marriage.

"EVER since the Census Bureau released figures last month showing that married-couple households are now a minority, my phone has been ringing off the hook with calls from people asking: “How can we save marriage? How can we make Americans understand that marriage is the most significant emotional connection they will ever make, the one place to find social support and personal fulfillment?”

I think these are the wrong questions — indeed, such questions would have been almost unimaginable through most of history."

As any desi from a conservative family, I get a ton of pressure about getting married soon or else ... Life will be a drab, lonely journey that I will regret to no end. Not that there is anything wrong with that (hehehe, Seinfeld reference), but there is so much else to life besides marriage. Of course, we need emotional attachments, but a big mistake people tend to make is save all their emotional energy for this "right person", and that puts a tremendous amount of stress on a new relationship and a lot of expectation to meet. Expecting emotional attachment from one person can become pathologically dependedent. It wasn't always that way for us.

"It has only been in the last century that Americans have put all their emotional eggs in the basket of coupled love. Because of this change, many of us have found joys in marriage our great-great-grandparents never did. But we have also neglected our other relationships, placing too many burdens on a fragile institution and making social life poorer in the process."

I have known so many desi friends that disappeared overnight the moment they got married. I may sound bitter or jealous, but I would still argue that despite the new found joy in a person's life in the form of a spouse, diverting all your social energy into personal life is not healthy in the long term. What happens when there is any kind of rupture, however small, in this supposedly ideal and perfect relationship? You've just become emotionally stranded because you have alienated all other relationships.

"The solution to this isolation is not to ramp up our emotional dependence on marriage. Until 100 years ago, most societies agreed that it was dangerously antisocial, even pathologically self-absorbed, to elevate marital affection and nuclear-family ties above commitments to neighbors, extended kin, civic duty and religion."

There is more to life besides marriage.

Have I Ever? ...

It's probably silly to do this, but I found this list here, and I wanted to see how much of life I haven't lived.

Instructions:
Bold the ones you did.
* the ones you want to do.
the more stars the more desperately you wanna do it

Have I Ever?
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink (was never that happy to be so generous)
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain*
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive** (only touched one)
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped (never going to happen, not sky-diving either)
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea* (Would love to have a camera if it ever happens)
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa*
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg* (I hope you mean at one of the poles on this earth)
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon *
22. Watched a meteor shower *
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (who hasn't)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run / a six
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (all the time)
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 10 provinces (of what?)
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk (hopefully, never again)
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country (U.S. is a foreign country right?)
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe ************************** (desperate to, but when? when will I?)
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing*
49. Midnight walk on the beach (Stayed up all night and walked on Miami Beach once)
50. Gone sky diving (never going to happen)
51. Visited Ireland *
52. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan*
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day (anyone that hasn't is a liar)
60. Posed nude in front of strangers (what the heck?)
61. Gone scuba diving (can't swim, afraid to learn)
62. Kissed in the rain :D
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater (can't believe I haven't done this)
66. Visited the Great Wall of China*
67. Started a business (someday I might want to open a magazine. hmmmm...)
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (no, but played other games for a lot longer *nerd*)
72. Gotten married (Seriously?)
73. Been in a movie* (But will be producing one, a love triangle with Kate Beckinsale, Maura Tierney and I ...)
74. Crashed a party (All the time, hehehe)
75. Gotten divorced (Seriously? Am I missing much?)
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch (Like supermarket cookies just fine)
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo* (Will. As soon as I can figure out what to get. Any suggestions?)
81. Rafted the Snake River * (Where is that?)
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"* (Wait, but what would be an expert in?)
83. Got flowers for no reason (Guys don't get flowers. Can we keep these gender neutral please?)
84. Performed on stage (Unfortunately there was a time I thought I was talented on stage. hehehe)
85. Been to Las Vegas (Been there, done that, lost a lot of money)
86. Recorded music (Even my CDs I buy suck or so I've been told. So, no thanks)
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand* (Yeah right!)
89. Gone to Thailand *
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one of your parents (Huh?!)
93. Been on a cruise ship*
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children* (Someday.)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour* (Need a group to become a groupie though.)
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country*
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over*
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge* (Walked the Brooklyn Bridge though)
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking* (All the time)
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an illness that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote article for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback (Huh? Who needs holding when they are having a flashback?)
108. Piloted an airplane* (Someday I'll get my license)
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart (Nothing to be proud of :( ...)
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show* (Still hoping to make it on Who Want To Be A Millionaire. The show is still on right?)
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari***
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol*
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse*
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon* (Went half-way and came back. It is way too exhausting probably to go all the way.)
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours (Who hasn't?)
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states***********************************************
124. Visited all 7 continents***********************************************
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days *
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper*
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about (i don't know, but i probably have given plenty of bad advice. hehehe)
130. Gone back to school (To visit, yes. Not actually go back to school.)
131. Parasailed*
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey*
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read (I never read anything in school. I only prepared for exams. hehe)
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (Wow, who's done that?)
137. Skipped all your school reunions (Never got an invitation so far.)
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language*
139. Been elected to public office (Do non-profit organizations count as public office?)
140. Written your own computer language (Not that nerdy)
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair (A late teenage phase in my 20s. Blonde streaks. hehehe.)
147. Been a DJ (Like I said, my CD collection sucks. No thanks.)
148. Shaved your head (As a kid I think)
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life*

43/150. Hmmm... 28%. Hey I'm 28 (almost). I guess I'm on track. Living my life. :)

What defines us?

Somebody probably already said it, "The battles we choose to fight is what defines us". I see it to be true more and more everyday.

• People around us break the rules all the time and get away with it. When we do find out about it, whether we choose to side with the person (and support her) or the principle (and confront her) is what defines us.
• People will betray you in their own pursuits of life. When we do find out about it, whether we choose to be tragic (and forgive them) or sinful (and seek vengeance) is what defines us.
• Life will throw a curve ball at you from time to time. When we are in that situation, whether we choose to be patient (and accept it) or respond (and take a shot) is what defines us.
• Life will tempt you from time to time. When we are faced with it, whether we choose to resist (and wonder about it) or give in (and regret it) is what defines us.

As with most battles, there usually is no right or wrong. But whether we fight to be fair (and be prepared to lose) or to survive (and be prepared to cheat) is what defines us.