Pursuits after college

...Nine to five
Living lies
Everyday
Stealing time...

Life after college is just not the same. It feels true more and more everyday. It's the first time you really have to make a schedule and start sticking to it. No more just doing whatever. It's been over four years since I was in graduate school. Looking back at it now, a lot has changed, but the one thing that is truly and fundamentally different from then and now is - the pursuit of a worthwhile goal.

Education was always a given. The pursuit of it was an unquestionable goal. For me, it was an excuse to come to the U.S. Nevertheless, it was still an unquestionable and worthwhile pursuit. Nothing else mattered. Got on a plane and left my family behind without another thought. Friends were lost, but they could be replaced. The city I grew up in, the familiarity, the comforts, love interests, whatever! I didn't care. I had to make it. I did.

Today, I feel like I'm standing perfectly still. Which is what I wanted to do for a long while. Enough of that rat race and the constant need to prove that I can do something better. I want to be happy staying wherever I am. Take a moment, take a break. Can it happen? It's such an unfamiliar and somewhat uncomfortable pursuit. I miss the feeling I had in high school and college. That unflinching focus, hope, investment on a goal, a constant goal.

I'm actually quite busy. Yeah, standing still doesn't exactly translate to doing nothing in my life right now. I've got a job that pays the bills and a really expensive apartment that keeps me reasonably busy from time to time. I've taken up not 1 but 2 volunteer jobs that keep me busy the rest of the time. I'm involved with someone on and off. I go on plenty of first dates and nothing comes out of them. Also trying to keep an active interest in photography whenever I get the chance. I constantly meet new people and make new friends almost every other week. I keep up with my multiple social circles in Atlanta and a few close friends that are all over the U.S. and one in India. I love playing PS2 with my niece and nephew and hanging out at my sister's place. Oh, and my parents are visiting from India as well.

Strangely, I don't feel invested in any of these. None of them seem worthy of pursuit towards any a goal right now, or worthy of spending my time. I do it now cause it's there. I'm busy but aimless. I work hard but I'm not invested. I feel close to my friends and family when I'm with them, but somewhat detached the rest of the time. I used to read better but have been compulsively inching the same boring novel all this year. It certainly doesn't feel like college.

Next year, if everything changes and I find myself engaged with some other totally new tasks, I won't mind. None of them will be worthwhile anyway probably, but I wonder... What will they be? For now I'm just drifting. I'm waiting.

...Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line...

(Lyrics from In The Waiting Line by Zero 7)